The Shame of It
by Michael Donovan
(Mike is a part –time staff member of PBMR)

For the fifteen young men who gathered for a recent Making Choices Circle at the Precious Blood Center, it began as always, with a poem and a check-in.  Fr. Kelly took us through a short meditation exercise, and then he proceeded to read us a fictional story about a boy named Raoul who was embarrassed in front of his friends by another boy who told the group that Raoul's mother was a crackhead.  Most of our boys agreed that Raoul had no control of his mother's conduct, and that he shouldn't be ashamed or humiliated by her actions.  As we passed the talking piece around the Circle, however, it became evident that for at least several of our young men,  Raoul's story was also their story, and they understood his feelings completely.

First, it was Reggie's turn.  He told the group that his mother was a crackhead too, and that as he was growing up, he told his friends that his mother was dead.  He couldn't live with the shame of having a mother who was a drug addict.  Across the room, Wesley's face lit up.  Wesley rarely says much in our Circles,
 but  Reggie's comments hit home.  His mother was also crackhead , and he too denied her existence to his friends, especially when he was young.  Finally, Wayne, who was sitting next to me, told the group that the stories told by Reggie and Wesley rang true to him---he also lives with the shame of a drug addicted mother.

 Wayne's hurt was in evidence earlier in the day.   I went to pick Wayne up at his sister's house where he occasionally flops because his father and mother do not have jobs or a stable place to live.   I've met Wayne's Dad on a couple of occasions, but I've never met his mother, and Wayne has only spoken of her twice in the fours years I've mentored him.  She has been addicted to drugs his entire life. To my surprise, Wayne mentioned that his mother was upstairs and that they were waiting for an ambulance to take her to the hospital.  I asked Wayne if I could go up to meet her, and Wayne said, "You don't want to meet her."  When I protested that I really would like to meet her, Wayne repeated, emphatically this time, "You don't want to meet her!"

My childhood experiences are far removed from the trauma experienced by these young men.  Yes, I went through a period where I was embarrassed by my parents.  I didn't think my father was as "cool" as my friends' fathers -- he was an undertaker, and I took a lot of ribbing for that.  Pretty trivial stuff when compared to the family dysfunction, poverty, pain, and violence these youth live with everyday.

During our Circles and at our Center, we try to create safe places where our young men and women can tell their stories in an environment where respect, honesty, confidentially, and listening is valued.  For at least three of the young men in this Circle, they also found out they are not alone.